Netty's A to Z of Jogging Expletives
On the face of it I'm a very nice person. I'm kind and compassionate. I work with the elderly and always take extra time to sit and listen to them - often staying with them far longer than I should (far longer than they pay me for at any rate) I appear so nice and "normal" that when I tell them about my tattoo's they're often very shocked. Goodness only knows what they'd say if I told them about my piercing! Friends of my own age have been rather shocked by that - it'd probably kill some of my "Olds" off if they knew about it! Earlier this week I rescued a ladybird from the clutches of a spider and often catch and release butterflies that are trapped indoors! I do kill mozzies and wasps on sight though - well, we all need a vice in our lives, don't we?
However, when I'm under pressure I do tend to get Stress Tourettes and I'm probably NOT a very nice person to know. :(
As today's title suggests - some bad language (or disguised bad language) will be included in today's posting so if you prefer to think of me as a nice person then please skip this posting. You might also want to ignore my reference to my tattoos and piercing so you can continue to think of me as sweet and lovely and fluffy and delightful - a bit like your very own marshmallow if you like...
PICTURE THE SCENE:
It's a nice quiet Sunday morning in August...... The workout was Week 4 Day 5 - the penultimate workout of week 4 and it was a toughie! 5 minute warm up walk, 15 minute jog, 10 minute run (Run for 10 minutes?! - For F0(!<'s sake - are you trying to KILL me?!), 20 minute jog, 5 minute cool down walk.
After the 10 minute run I was knackered - I did put some effort into it - but I'm still Captain Slow - so I wasn't THAT fast! As I huffed and puffed my way into the 20 minute jog I needed some way to distract myself from the pain and discomfort I was feeling and I decided to do an A to Z of things that were going through my head!
Although this is an A to Z of jogging expletives I actually know very few swear words, let alone knowing a whole list from A to Z - so I tend to focus on just the one or two words and say those rather a lot!
What follows is a TRUE ACCOUNT of a recent workout!
No joggers were permanently harmed either physically or mentally during this workout
PICTURE THE SCENE:
It's a nice quiet Sunday morning in August...... The workout was Week 4 Day 5 - the penultimate workout of week 4 and it was a toughie! 5 minute warm up walk, 15 minute jog, 10 minute run (Run for 10 minutes?! - For F0(!<'s sake - are you trying to KILL me?!), 20 minute jog, 5 minute cool down walk.
After the 10 minute run I was knackered - I did put some effort into it - but I'm still Captain Slow - so I wasn't THAT fast! As I huffed and puffed my way into the 20 minute jog I needed some way to distract myself from the pain and discomfort I was feeling and I decided to do an A to Z of things that were going through my head!
Although this is an A to Z of jogging expletives I actually know very few swear words, let alone knowing a whole list from A to Z - so I tend to focus on just the one or two words and say those rather a lot!
I MUTTERED THESE WORDS OUT LOUD AS I JOGGED ON THIS MORNING and as I had my "ears" in, listening to my ipod I was probably YELLING them in the mistaken belief that I was only muttering quietly! I was about half way through my workout when I started to play the A to Z game....
- A is for fu(!<!ng hell - Ammaa gonna die! - why am I doing this on a Sunday morning when I could still be in my bed...
- B is for Bastard Bastard Bastard - that shoe lace is tight but I'm not ruddy stopping to sort it out!
- C is for I Can't fu(!<!ng believe I'm out here running instead of being in my bed... Can't imagine what on earth possessed me to do this!
- D is for Daft Bugger, taking up fu(!<!ng jogging at my age! I think I'm going to DIE!
- E is for Emergency! I might be having one of these quite soon if I continue to jog!
- F is for Fookin' norah this is hard work! I'm going to fu(!<!ng DIE
- G is for I think I really am fookin Going to die!
- H is for HELP - I AM going to fookin die!
- I is for stoopid fooking idiot pedestrains - get out of my way - I'M COMING THROUGH!
- J is for fookin hell - Just a little bit longer, not too fookin far to go now...
- K is for I'm so Knackered - this running lark is going to fookin' kill me, so it is!
- L is for NETTY - DON'T WALK INTO THE fu(!<!ng LIGHT! (Please - let me get home in one piece and not be found dead on the pavement!)
- M is for mother focker (I laughed at this point as there wasn't any reason to say it - it just sounded funny!)
- N is for Nackud - (this is how the idiots round here might spell it)
- O is for Oh My God I'm fooking knackered!
- P is for PLEASE let it be time for my walking interval soon!
- Q is for quitting is not a fookin' option! Man up!
- R is for Right foot is fookin killing me. Stoopid bastard trainers
- S is for shit shit shit shit shit I am going to collapse in a heap and die!
- T is for let this Torture Stop for me to stop! I'm about to fookin die! I can't go on much longer!
- U is for Uggghhhhhhhhhhh I'm so fookin' knackered - let me stop!
- V is for I'm Very tired. My legs ache. I WANT TO STOP! Fook Fook Fook Fook - let it end!
- W is for WALK - like the nice lady on the app tells you! And also for Why the fook did I sign up for this fooking stoopid jogging lark!
- X is for I'm fookin 50 - and I suddenly take up Xercise - fookin lunatic!
- Y is for Yes Yes Yes - almost fooking finished for fooks sake I'm fooking knackered and I really am going to fookin die right here, right now
- Z is for Zzzzzzz - let me rest!
1 comment:
Splendid :)
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